The Kleshas: Causes of Suffering

 

This is why a regular home & class yoga practice is vital to keep us from forgetting our true Self and the gratitude that comes with it. Usually when I've been aware of the kleshas (the creators of suffering!) in my life, it's usually of raga (grasping/craving) - we are in a society of "I want more" after all. Today my eyes were opened to how I've been over run by ALL of them in some form and it's not until that awareness of the full, true nature of things that transformation can happen. It's as though life has just been happening in pieces, in regard to my awareness & insight, but after one more come-apart, a lightbulb went off and one of my teachers was there to help me see more clearly what was surfacing. I knew that some new ways of being and knowing myself were arising but instead of following them on the higher road, I feel into the trap of the past, the ego (asmita) that told me I wasn't getting what I "needed & deserved," which immediately shifts the tides of awareness and sanity and transforms me into a spoiled, moody, unstable child. Isn't that attractive?!
In class as we moved slowly through several flows, pausing the "watch" after each piece, I began to find my mind stilling and my wise Self arising. This peeked in a pause between Warrior I, II, & Triangle. Suddenly my inner guide yelled, "This mind will not control me anymore!" It felt like I had just re-discovered and reclaimed my power that I have been giving away unconsciously for YEARS! DECADES! I began to feel that I am in control and do have choice about thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. I've felt so borderline unstable and allowed the slightest thing to tip me off, but I realized that I can choose which way that tipping occurs. For years the story has been towards a deficit model so I suffered and created more suffering because of those beliefs. I realized that the past weeks have been wonderful and balanced and fulfilling, yet when I reacted a tipping point Sunday afternoon, instead of flowing into gratitude and settling into that, I followed the tears and emotions into that old dark place of deficit & dissatisfaction/discontentment (asantosha). I saw it happening but couldn't put words or clarity to it...probably because I had been putting things into my body that hindered clarity. Another awareness of an imbalance that I've been creating, but alas I'm learning here too.

So all that to say, I own my power and my choices and the consequences of my choices. And I'm ready to fully let go of the past, recent and long ago. This way each moment, each day is new and fresh and clean and not clouded by the ego mind that judges and analyzes and creates endless suffering even though it "thinks" it is solving a "perceived problem." Tricky little thing, the mind, but now I've got it's number and I know that I am not IT. May I continue to hold that awareness close to my heart-mind and practice Kriya Yoga to support it (self-discipline, self-study, & self-surrender). May I surround myself with friends/beloveds who support me in seeing myself truly without illusion and find ways to support them in their journeys as well, whether that keeps up close or leads us apart.

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.