...A Fragment of Life's Heart...

This past weekend started on Thursday afternoon and ended late Sunday night for me.  It was one of those long weekends that you hoped would be relaxing and yet somehow it felt busier than being home without the familiarity & comfort of home.  The funny thing about it was that I enjoyed most of it. I would've liked more rest, more beach, a bigger bed, and less activity, but I know I got what I needed.  I had the opportunity to try new things, meet new people, unexpectedly see long lost friends, reconnect with family and appreciate what I have and need, like relationships & quiet time. So how are your weekends? your vacations from work & chores?  For most people, they don't know how to rest, relax, let go and enjoy.  I have family and friends who would rather push themselves into exhaustion than sit still and even worse, sit silently alone.  It makes me wonder and want to us, is it louder or scarier inside than out?  I know it can be for...

Another day dawns, the first thought that arrives as I sit down to write is, "Back to the grind" or the grace - depends on how you look at it.   It ALWAYS depends on how you look at it.   If changing my perspective was only as easy as putting on a different pair of glasses THEN the world would be perfect. Right? Doubtful.   We’d all be so worried that someone was going to steal our glasses or that we might break them that we’d be holed up in our homes worse than we are now searching online for a newer better pair of glasses to fix this new paranoia.   Always searching, never satisfied.   The story of most people’s miserable lives, including mine, no exceptions.   Many spiritual teachers and writers say that if you are constantly searching then will never find what you’re looking for because you have basically told the Universe that your faith is in the search, the desperation, the difficulty versus the hope, the happiness, the homecoming.   T...

I read a meditation this morning that encouraged you to enjoy the ordinary in the sense that it’s the ordinary, the mundane, the routine, that we all long for once it’s gone.   But until that moment when the ordinary is not longer available, we under-appreciate, under-value, and often ignore its preciousness.   I remember when I was tired of being in a relationship a few years ago.   I felt that it was ordinary, uneventful, unexciting and therefore useless to me at that point in my life.   I assumed and imagined that singleness (a.k.a. freedom in my mind) was where my happiness could be found.   On the contrary I had always desired relationship, friendship, companionship because it had been so invisible growing up, even through high school and college in many ways.   I was tired of being alone or maybe lonely but at that point even being in a relationship felt lonely and empty.   What friendships I had were seemingly superficial or tempo...

  According to Webster’s dictionary, freedom is defined as “the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action : liberation from slavery or restraint.”  Knowing this, can you recall a time where you actually experienced freedom?  A moment where you were totally without a nagging thought, an influencing memory, or a demanding superior telling you what you should or shouldn’t be doing.  I imagine that few of us have ever experienced TRUE freedom because even if others are not directly guiding us, then we are being bombarded by memories, old mental tapes, advertisements, and other things that work to overpower our instinct.  To live in this world, this culture, means to experience some level of constant coercion, direct or indirect, blatant or subliminal.  Are we ever truly free to be? In my daily personal practice and in my professional practice, I often struggle to find and strengthen the intuition and inner wisdom of myself and my clien...

How many times have you heard someone or yourself saying, "well, I'm waiting for ...." or "I'm waiting until ..."  So is this waiting a type of spiritual patience or fear based delay that robs us of the richness and responsibility of living our lives fully - without apology or regret?  Now, I'm not saying that anything goes or that sometimes, good things take time because they do.  Plants/fruits/vegetables are one of those things that if taken too soon from Source/God then they are less rich, ripe, tasty, or nutritious.  But on the other hand if you wait too long the fruit, the flower begins to wilt or rot and is no longer useful or enjoyable.  As a friend used to say when it was time to go home, "It's past my shelf life!" So what has or is approaching its expiration date in your life?  How long will you wait on your lover to take the next step in commitment? How long will you put up with your bosses criticisms & belittling before you...

It feels like I’ve been on the epitome of silent retreats minus the few words I might ask a vendor or shop keeper about a price during the day and one brief conversation with a friend at night.   Of course there is an endless conversation going on in my mind ALL DAY LONG, but its not always entertaining and by the end of the day is just a muddle mess of syllables none of which stand out.   So am I really in silence considering the lack of silence in the mind?   It definitely creates a lot more internal energy than when we are constantly interacting with the outside world.   By the end of my days here in belize I am desperate to talk to someone besides myself and if no one is available at length then I either write more or turn on some music and sing with it or let it sing to me.   Amazing the lengths we will go to for connection.   No wonder that Tom Hanks befriended a volleyball in Castaway.   It’s obvious we need and want connection, however we ca...

How often to you make a commitment to yourself one day only to find yourself half way through a container of Ben & Jerry's, a bottle of wine, your pay check, etc?  Why are some promises easier to keep and others bring up every ounce of resistance our psyche can find or create? From my experience, it's the things that will have the most profound difference on my life that are the hardest and yet the easiest on some level if I'm truly ready and it's actually the right time in my life to uproot the weed.  I think it's easier to start with small commitments that have less of an extreme effect because that way if we aren't perfect ( and who is especially at the beginning ), the result isn't traumatic.  What I mean is that it isn't going to make a huge difference if you break your personal promise a few times.  Granted everything we do has an effect and even small things can add up over time if gone uncheck.  I find that when we are ready for a change th...

While waiting for my cup of Lemon Ginger Yogi Tea to steep last week, I read this quote on the tag: "Happiness comes when you overcome the most impossible challenge." Since then I'm been pondering what that "most impossible challenge" is for me and more so HOW do I overcome the IMPOSSIBLE?! Sounds quite daunting! At first I quickly named several things that felt big and in control of me at times but had no clear idea how to deal with them except trial & error which has been feeling really slow & inefficient/ineffective but my Ego roared back, "Nothing is impossible for you! Don't be such a loser - keep fighting!"  Now some may say that's a great motto but for me its the motto that tries to kill me and frequently throws me into some sort of sickness - physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually (and usually ALL of the above). What I have slowly come to realize after a few more tantrums, breakdowns, and relapses is that I was ob...

            In Natalie Portman’s recent movie, Black Swan, she plays a young ballerina hoping to make to leading role in Swan Lake.  During her efforts to be the lead, her director tells her she must not only be the elegant, pure, naïve white swan but she must be able to portray and experience the black swan, the shadow side that is intense, seductive, spontaneous, creative.             It seems that just the word shadow side or reference to it invokes either a gasp of disapproval or a sigh of longing.  Either way this side is fairly unfamiliar, unexperienced, unevolved and feared.  How interesting it is though that deep spiritual and emotional work refer to this part of us as the place we must go in order to heal.  Remember the “dark night of the soul”?  I can’t help but think this is a reference to the shadow, the Black Swan of our lives.  As with most things though...

Sometimes when I sit down to write or just want to write, I feel as though I must find this enlightened state from which to write.   But I don’t always feel very enlightened or inspired. In fact I usually write because I’m not feeling especially on top of it but seem to use writing as a sadhana/practice in which I might cultivate those feelings, just like sitting to meditate in hopes of stilling or at least becoming more aware of my mind, body, experience in this moment. So here I sit, this time on an airplane, wanting to write but with no idea about what or why.   Writing, practicing, however we may practice in each moment, feels like it’s about connection.   As a way to connect to my Self, my world, my experiences, & my sense of the Divine.   The past 6 weeks of this new year have been filled with a sense of freedom and exploration and childlike curiosity but with an element of adult maturity … or not depending on the moment and the experience. It’s as tho...

“Don’t prolong the past, don’t invite the future, don’t alter your innate wakefulness, don’t fear appearances, there’s nothing more than that.” (via Ram Dass) When we gather together with people for dinners, meetings, movies, games, music, etc., what creates the draw to gather?  Does this union feel like home, like family?  A family never known?  An intimacy and affection never known?  Probably.  So now I’ll notice this experience, this desire, that has often gotten muddle and mixed into an illusory desire for partnership, as if it’ll fill that need for connection, communion, community .  While intimate partnerships/committed relationships provide connection and a type of communion, the lack of space and individuality that often comes with relationships along with the increased responsibility and compromise with each other creates a much more complicated dynamic.  No wonder so many people wait to “marry/commit” or choose not to all together.  Th...

If love is simply an inside job, finding the pleased self, then why do we constantly seek it outside of us from others or give it to others in hopes of receiving it back?  If all this love is something inside me and of God then shouldn’t those we give our love to be deserving of it?  When love is given in order to receive it, then it is merely wasted and slung around in delusion.  Once we realize that the love we feel is our own love and connection to God & Self, then we might be careful and mindful of how we use and spend our energy.  When we realize that we are LOVE then we are able to give it freely, without need or attachment to outcome.  We no longer SEEK love in relationship but SHARE love with others because our love is limitless and unconditional because it is connected to the Source. Everyone is worthy of love, but some of us tend to give our “love” without thought and purpose or to people who want to use us or we use them for an unhealthy purpose...